Lasting Love; does it exist?

In this post, I just want to look back and think about my marriage. Because a lot is happening on that front. My husband filed for a divorce and I am fighting for my child's custody.

When I got married, I didn't think it would last very long. Even back then, I was very aware that my heart wasn't in it. But as days went by, I thought, let me give this guy a chance, because my father had told me, my husband and I could be a very happy couple if only I gave it a chance. So I did. But nothing happened. It just kept getting bitter. He forever kept leaving me in the cold, mistreating me, yelling and screaming, insulting me. So why would I want to stay with a person like him? I thought, now that I have a child, I should stay for the sake of the child. He thought, now that she has a child, she'll stay no matter what.

Noway that was going to happen. After taking me for granted and repeatedly insulting me, I was not going to stay with that selfish bastard, and I wasn't going to let that man's issues and problems fall on my child. He had a problem with my success. He wanted me to give it all up and stay at home and be his servant. He started to feel inferior. He had to keep insulting me to feel good about himself.

When I asked him to hold on and think with a cool head, he refused. Selfish man that he is, he filed for a divorce. He thought he could get rid of me and marry a younger, dumber girl, who will spin her life as per his requirements.

When has life ever been fair to women....? Recently there was an article about Indra Nooyi, PepsiCo's CEO. When people asked her kids if they'd want to be like their mom, they said no, because she was never there for them. Had it been their dad, they'd have said, oh yea, because dad is so successful. Women have to be apologetic for their success?! Seems like women have to be apologetic for having a brain.

I hope my daughter never says that. I want her to soar, and be apologetic to none. Also, not expect me to feel sorry about choosing a career.

As far as love is concerned, I have gotten used to letting go. Even if I feel an intense connection, although I might obsess for a while, I can get over and let go. Its become common place. So even when some one comes along, and I feel a strong stirring, I know that if I give it enough time, it'll pass. That's what love is to me.

It'll take one heck of a man to make me believe in love again.

Ended before it started :(

The New Guy is tricky business. He clearly doesn't want anything beyond a casual summer fling. But the things he does, and says, make me feel like he is purposely shutting out his emotions. We were talking last night, and I said, I find him detached. He simply got up and stormed out. Later he texted to tell me that he indeed feels detached and we shouldn't talk of a relationship again because he is emotionally unavailable right now. He says he has too many family responsibilities on him and he couldn't and wouldn't do anything other than what his parents expect him to do.

He is a sound guy, mature, and a very deep thinker. But the possibility of a long term relationship is something that I projected on to this relationship. Otherwise, there was no possibility in reality. The connection that I felt was probably just my imagination. He was hardly interested in me. Hardly. And now, he is in no way interested in me. He is very aware that both of us are not on the same page and I don't think he is the kind who'd pursue something the ain't real. It ended even before it started.

There was one other time this happened. When I liked a guy a lot and thought there was a possibility of love and a real thing. I was honest with him and he backed out.

I have been honest to the New Guy too. He backed out as well.

This just tells me that I shouldn't be honest about my feelings. Honesty is not the best policy after all.

That aside, now I am really confused as to what I feel for this New Guy. In a way I feel like I lost another shot at love. I feel like may be he was never the right guy and I saw him that way only because of my projections. I feel sad at the same time, I feel neutral. I feel empty. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Feels like a break up without it being an actual break up of any sorts.  

Love, I miss you.

After I drafted the last post, the New Guy came over for a few drinks. He got a friend along. We had a fun evening. Then he left with his friend very abruptly. I thought he just left. But he came back! And we talked. He flirted, and it looked like may be he had some feelings for me. And the next few days he seemed fine; smiling at me every time he saw me, talk to me briefly. But again, he is back to not talking, texting; I have yet again become invisible to him. And I've spent hours after that, thinking of him. He is clearly not interested in me.

I am so tired of not being wanted. I want a real, loving relationship. Clearly this is not the guy. I wish it was him, he is so different; not afraid of the society. But it matters to him what his parents think, so may be, he won't be too unconventional. So yea, he is not the one. I guess, if I tell that to myself frequently enough, I will convince myself that he is not the one and won't think of him in that light anymore.

I really wish I have love in my life again. I miss it sooooooo much :'(

Love, where are you? 

Life happens

I've been a bit unlucky in love, always. And extremely unstable.
The one guy I loved while still in my college, cheated on me and I was never able to quite fall in love the same way. Much later, I thought I could fall in love yet again, but that guy ran like the wind when I told him, he wasn't my first. I was only being honest. Stupid of me really. Damn stupid. And after that, I married a guy on a whim. Biggest mistake of my life.
I had baby with him too. God, I love my child. All said and done, she is the only element in my life that keeps me going. My life is hers.
In spite of which, every now and then, I feel the need for love. My husband is an egoistic fool, doesn't know how to treat his woman. There is no love there.
Recently, there was someone, yet again, I thought I could fall in love with. Something that will never happen though. I feel empty and depressed at the thought. I feel like a stupid teenager all over again. Why is it that I can't grow up? Why do I need to be in love? What is love? Stupidity in the head, that's what it is. I want to shut out these ridiculous feelings and concentrate on what I have to do. Can't seem to though. Life is slipping out of my hands, and I can't seem to get a grip of it.
I'm bottling up my feelings for now. I don't know what way they will come out. It scares me sometimes.      

Love. Love. Love.

I am a big sucker for love stories. All kinds. My definition of love is not strict, I see love in many forms and all of them are equally scintillating. I mean, when my puppy licks me in a way to show affection, I am truly gratified. Who taught it how to love? So basically, love in all forms brings that dreamy smile on my face.

I recently experienced a one-sided relationship. The object of my interest, a guy I spoke to for an hour one evening. I found him very interesting to talk to; he was a brilliant multifaceted guy, one like I never met before. After that one hour’s conversation we never talked again. But the romantic that I am, I drew an elaborate picture of him and fell in love with a figment of my own imagination; much like how Pygmalion fell in love with his ivory statue.

And imagine my heartbreak when I got to know that this guy is all set to marry some other woman! I cried like a child would, for a refused treat. Soon, realizing my stupidity, I recovered. Upon my recovery, I mused about how absolutely blissful it must be to love someone and have him or her love you back; which is what this wonderful couple must be experiencing.

The new, blossoming love of two young eligible individuals is utterly thrilling- from the first time their eyes meet, their first smile, their first touch, their first kiss, to their first parting completely consumed in thoughts of each other- filled with the strongest emotions one can every feel. The adrenalin rush you experience while confessing your love towards each other for the first time is almost addictive!

So, as I came to understand this couple’s recently found passion and love, I began to smile. By now I completely overcame my silliness and undid my beautiful imaginary picture. And all I can think of is how I wish this new couple, only the very best.

May you experience this incredible emotion, it is truly a gift!